The One With All the Emotions

I am an emotional disaster today.  Let's start at the beginning.

Last night, after I had worked all day, went to the gym {four days in a row this week!}, raced home to get JD, took her to soccer practice, sat at the indoor facility for an hour waiting for her, stopped at Burger King {don't even say it} on the way home and then finally got home {this is a really long sentence}, I was standing at the kitchen counter eating my Whopper and I looked at JD's face.  What I saw were signs that she had lazily tried to remove some eye makeup {she's not allowed to wear makeup yet}.  In fact, after sweating at soccer practice, she now looked like a football player.  I asked her point blank, "Were you wearing eye makeup today?"

Before I tell you her answer, let me say this: had she looked me in the eye and said, "Yes, Mom, I was, I know I'm not supposed to, but I did," I wouldn't even be typing this.  I would have reminded her that the rule is no makeup until 10th grade and I would have let it go {even though this isn't the first time I've busted her}.  But she didn't.  She looked me right in the eye and said, "No, I wasn't wearing makeup."

She lied.  Right to my face.  And she lied well.

I didn't say a word.  I turned around, walked upstairs, grabbed an eye makeup remover pad, came back downstairs, walked up to her and rubbed the pad under her left eye, then her right.  The pad was streaked with black mascara and eyeliner.  I held it up to her and said, "Really?  Then what's all this?"

She had no response.  So now she is grounded for the weekend {at least} and she thinks I'm just being mean.  "What's the big deal?  It's just a little eye makeup.  Everyone else wears it."

But I don't care about the makeup.  I care about the lying.  If she can look me in the face and flat out lie to me about wearing makeup, what else will she lie to me about?  What else has she already lied to me about?  It scares the hell out of me and breaks my heart.  I want to trust my daughter, but now I can't.  And I don't know how to reconcile that.

In addition to that, today is the second anniversary of my grandfather's passing.  My grandfather {Pop, as I always called him} was the absolute greatest man I have ever known.  He was a father to me when my dad wasn't, he was my bowling buddy, my travel companion, my breakfast, lunch and dinner date and one of my very best friends.  He would do anything for anyone, whether he'd known you his whole life or only for five minutes.  One day he was diagnosed with cancer and one week later he was gone.  I think the idea that he would become a burden to his family and that he might not be able to bowl again was too much for him.  He could no longer live his life on his terms and he decided he was done.  I'm grateful he didn't suffer but at the same time I selfishly wish he were still here.  So much has happened in my life in the two years he's been gone and I sure could have used his advice.  JD was the apple of his eye and I know he would tell me exactly how to handle this whole lying thing and it would be exactly the right answer.  He would hug me and tell me to quit being so hard on myself, that I'm a good mom and this will all work itself out.  He raised two daughters and three granddaughters and this isn't the end of the world.  I really, really need to hear that right now.

Pop's favorite thing in the world was food.  He loved to eat, and he wanted everyone else to eat, too.  He also loved his family, and nothing made him happier than to have us all together.  Eating, of course. Last year we decided the best way to honor him was to get everyone together and eat.  So we did.  And that's what we'll be doing tonight.

Pop and JD, circa 2001.

I miss you, Pop.  Every single day.  If you can somehow let me know that everything's going to be alright, I'll be watching for it.